What I want.

Recently, well, the past two times I've went to BooksAMillion I've been reading Brennan Manning's All Is Grace. It is his memoir, a story of his life. I've read about half of the book and decided to go ahead and buy it on Amazon. Because that's what I do, use BAM unless I'm desperate. But, the book opens up and it tells the story of a man who is not where he wanted to be, how he wanted more. He figures out at an early age and can never get enough of the more. His early story includes how he never felt accepted by his family and most of his peers. Manning is the author of The Ragamuffin Gospel and writes mostly about grace and how that God loves us not as we should be but as we are. This is a story that is familiar with all of us but Manning really puts it in a perspective that makes sense to the average reader.

First off let me state that I do go to Books A Million and read books. I never buy books at BAM except for a few because I know that I can get them at Amazon for more often than not 50% off. I was however disappointed that this BAM only had a few benches and not any nice chairs to sit down and read in. This is not really important. I just wanted you to know that I do not have a problem using a store like BAM for something like that. I'd much rather buy from a small locally owned bookstore if I were to pay full price.

Manning talks about how in life he wanted something more. Growing up he thought it was love from his parents. He went to college, dropped out to join the Marine Corps, got released early to go to seminary. He states somewhere along the way he had a dream and couldn't believe thats all it was... At seminary he started to drop out, but on his way out he stopped by the chapel and that is when he found the more. The more that he had always been looking for. The more was a relationship with Jesus Christ. He had gone to the Catholic Church all of his life but never understood who God was and is. We all long for more. Often, we long for more of what we believe will make us happy but not what truly will. But, how could we ever get enough of Christ? If we we're perfect perhaps we could. We're not though and that leads me to believe we will always want more.

The Ragamufffin Gospel is a great read by Manning. It tells a story of how he is just an old Ragamuffin - a ragged often disreputable person. Manning tells a story of how he was an ex priest, alcoholic, divorced man who is loved by the God of the world more than anything. That Jesus Christ loved him as he was and not as he should be. Not one of us are as we should be, there is fault in all of us. I do believe some could take this over the limits and say that he is saying sinning alright. But, that is not what he is saying. Do not stifle the Holy Spirit. 1 Thessalonians 5:19 Other translations use Do not quench the Holy Spirit. But, when you do fall to sin the love of Christ is not diminished. Because the love of Christ is unconditional. I do believe that one will feel better about his relationship and it will become deeper the less one's sins are but, that is not point. The point is to have a deeper relationship and in return one's sins become less. An abiding joy will fruit from the closeness of a relationship with Christ.

Manning has became one of my favorite authors over the years. I actually, have read more Manning books than I have of any author. The grace of Christ is a story that is an easy read to ragamuffin like myself. Maybe, that's not a good thing. Maybe it is, who knows. All I know is that it makes myself want to have a deeper, stronger relationship with Christ.

She Said Yes.

Last night I asked Lauren Logan Daughtery to marry me! She was hesitant but said yes. We went to hike up a mountain near Suches, GA. There's a lookout about 1.5 miles from the road called Preacher Rock. In the late 1800's a man would go up on top and practice his sermons. So I took her up there and told her we we're going to plant a geocache. (geocaching.com) But, then we couldn't find a place to hide the tupperware one with a few small items I got in my backpack and told her to just hide this one. It was filled with a little journal and some pictures of us. She was looking at it, wondering what it was and then I got down on one knee and said "will you marry me?" She didn't really believe what was happening or didn't want to be a victim to being punk'd. But then we went and took some pictures and drank some wine to celebrate.

2011

What a wild, crazy year. So many things happening. So many things have happened. So many wounds. Yet, so many good things as well. It is not fair to let one bad thing ruin you. Or is it? I don't know. I have not posted since July 2010. That was over a year ago. This may be a really long post.

Fall 2010

I lived at 346 Wedgewood with Justin Steele, Chris Looper and Megan. I went to Haiti last August and it was well. It was eye opening to see poverty at that level and how those people had nothing physically but spiritually they were loaded. Justin and I spent just about every night on the front porch drinking beer and smoking a few cigarettes now and then. It was some of the best most in depth talks that I have ever had with anyone, I am grateful for that. Then I turned 21 that was pretty wild. The next few months may or may not have gotten a little out of hand. Thankfully that ended within three months of its start. While this was going on Justin and I we're finishing up our college careers. Both wondering what we would be doing come May. I was going around applying at different Police Departments, while then discovered it might be best to wait a while before starting my career in law enforcement. Younglife was going on at this time as well, I was driving to Dahlonega every chance I got or being visited at least every 3 weeks. My Pa James had lung cancer which he successfully got through. Thanksgiving was great as always, it was a big family dinner like normal. The day before some YoungLife guys invited me to Junk Food thanksgiving where we had all types of junk food, burgers, wings, fries, chips.... It was fun. Then school finals came and went. Before you knew it, it was Christmas. The whole family stayed at the house as usual. April and Megan stayed in one room, I stayed in the other with the parents downstairs. In the morning we came downstairs to open presents, I remember everyone seeming content with just being there with one another. I remember putting together Mom's cabinet deal, I got boots and April got a pink mixer. I can't remember any of the other gifts.... Then the whole family came over for Christmas dinner. It was good.

New Years. Steele, Laura Penfold and I traveled to Dahlonega to hang out with that crew. It was fun a little wild... but, very enjoyable. Then January was here, that meant one last semester of school. It was exciting, I had CPR, Swimming, Individual Sports, Team Sports, Back packing and Canoeing, Probation and Parole and Teacher's aid as classes. It was a joke. Easy semester. But, I enjoyed it. I also started working at KFC to save money to move southward to Dawsonville, GA. I went to 2 ChickFilA openings in January both were in the snow..Brandon Stephenson and some old YL guys to the one in It was cold, it was different then when Megan and I went to Paducah, KY. and it was 100 degrees plus... Megan got the raffle so I sat there all day then we split 52 coupons....

Spring break...Beach trip with UpsilonLambda.... good, not as good as the year before in New Orleans with Michael Borden, Steele, Jake Luna and Ryan Berner.... DESTIN!!!! hahaha,

Later on the semester was going and we got kicked out of the house. We all went out separate ways. I went to my parents house in Hilham, Justin went to his sister house, Chris went to his Dads in Dry Hollow and Megan moved in with her best friend Jessica Carr.

April 23, 2011.

This was a rough day, failures previously in Dahlonega. Then I went to hang out with Will Panaro Robison in Dawsonville. We went out on the lake with some of his buddies. It was my first time on a real sailboat. Then the world stopped turning. I got a call from one of my Dads best friends saying my mom had called and was crying and he couldn't understand what she said. I immediately called my mom she made me give the phone to Will. Then they talked for a few minutes and I knew something was wrong. It was taking too long. Then he hung up the phone and told me that there had been an accident with my sister Megan. I didn't know what to say or do, I had to ask him again and the words, they wouldn't hardly come out of my mouth. "she died???????" We we're on the lake in a sailboat that went one mile an hour... It was miserable. When we got back to the house Lauren was waiting on me to drive back to Tennessee with me. It was a long drive, I broke down in Ellijay not believing it. I called Justin and Brad Wright the two guys that lived with us throughout college. I didn't really want to go back. I was in no rush. We stopped to get boiled peanuts, tried to get sno cones, really anything to delay the sadness. Eventually we made it to Hilham around 1030 that night. Every light in the house was on, Chris and Jessica we're in the livingroom, the television was on but the screensaver was on. The house was real quiet. Then my family tells me to come into my parents room, I did. They were all laying down spooning on the bed. In the back was my Dad, then my Mom and finally April. I laid down in front of April. It was sad, I was fighting back tears... Eventually we all went to our respective beds and laid down. Some got sleep, some didn't. In the morning when I woke it was still unbelievable. It didn't seem real, it was not what any of us had wanted. There was a lot of confusion not knowing what to think. Random people stopping by and bringing food and other stuff. It was a long day at the house, we just sat around not really doing anything, watching TV random people came over, people were texting my phone, I didn't reply to many of them, but I appreciated every one of them. It was a weird day, random crying periods, sadness glooming in the air. Monday we went to the funeral home and the cemetery. That was rough, I felt like I had to stay strong for my parents. We made all the arrangements and set the visitation for Tuesday at 600PM and the funeral for Wednesday at 100PM. During this whole time Lauren was by my side when she was missing out on finals week at school. I couldn't believe all those who came to the visitation and the funeral. It's comforting to know that people care and are that compassionate. To know how much people cared for my sister was a great comfort as well. The funeral was rough, it rained, I mean it poured. Then when they went to lift the casket up to the top row of the mausoleum the sky jack wouldn't lift the weight of the two guys and everything else. As bad as it was it was sort of a comic relief in the middle of great sadness. Megan would have laughed her ass off and that is a solid fact. Afterwards everyone went home, some stayed at the house and wore off their welcome but that was alright. Lauren left to go home and take her finals. It was just the family and Chris. Days passed slowly, eventually, I got tired I didn't want to hear people tell me "sorry" at work but I wanted to get out of the house. I went to work at KFC and went back to school to finish up my finals. It was strange walking down the halls of Matthews Daniels (the Sociology/Psychology building) I would have sworn that I seen Megan two or three times back the first day. That was the last time that I seen Megan she was walking out of room 207 from taking a test or something and I seen her stand up so I waited for her out in the hallway. I don't remember what I had said something meaningless perhaps, "you decided to come to class today..." I can't remember. My Swimming Teacher Ranger Robyn talked to me in her office to make sure I was handling everything okay. We talked a little while she talked of some her loss's. Everyone was really kind to me during this time.

May 7, 2011, I graduated from Tennessee Technological University.

Late May 2011: I moved to Dawsonville. Worked at Sears for about 2.5 weeks and quit. Classic this lunch break is gonna last all afternoon. I'm not sure why exactly I wanted to move south so bad and took a job like sears. I suppose it may have been to get away from people asking me about Megan and just the overall sadness. My mom asked me "why don't you ever talk about Megan?" I knew that I had not, not that I hadn't thought of her. But, I felt guilty about the past 2 years living together and quite frankly just being mean to her. Not regarding her in a high manor. I would have been so mad had anyone else treated her like I had. But, then I realize that siblings often treat each other bad, but then there is the good stuff. Like, sitting in class together on the first day and the professor says, "Are you ....(guys related)" and BroDale responds "Nope" before he can even finish his sentence. Then I looked at our Facebook wall to wall from before we moved out and I remember all the good times. I remember going to Virginia Beach and Brasil. I remember riding back and forth to school with her. I remember walking to pool with her. Shooting bottle rockets, going to six flags and her being the only one to ride the roller coasters. I remember my lovely sister.

I've heard people say, "not a day goes by where I don't think about that..." I always thought it was exaggeration. I've lost people that meant a whole lot to me and other stuff but one day you're like "shit, now I can't say not a day goes by..." But, honestly not a day goes by where there's not a long thought of Megan.

I LOVE YOU SISTER.

Souped-up Golf Carts

I think for the most part I do not enjoy sarcasm. I try to not dish it out but, often I do. One thing I think is very funny is when people are being sarcastic, then, someone says, "Is that sarcasm?" Then they sarcastically answer, "Nope." To me that is really funny. I don't know why but I just thought about that....

I'm at work today and some high school guys come inside. One guy starts talking about how he wishes his cart was faster... I say "do you know how to adjust it? Put a tee in it?" he has no clue that this is even possible... I first show him the bolt to adjust to get the speed he wants... But then I show him the golf cart racing associations soupin up must. Which is a tee between the cable in the engine compartment against the generator, you may have to cut the tee to obtain the highest speed possible. I begin telling them about how when I was younger we would race them down the road... Then the moment of truth comes. Time for a test drive. He is thrilled. He cannot believe that his cart will go that fast.... I guess that is the way I was too when I found out... But, it was cool to see them get that excited.

I went to ChickFilA in Padcah Kentucky with my sister Wednesday. There was about 200 people there waiting in line at 6AM. They gave us all raffle tickets and started drawing. Megan was number 42 and I was, well I never got drawn. So, we split the 52. It was fun, I got to spend time with her and I also got to talk to some pretty cool people and got to talk to some not so pretty cool but cool people. I met this fella named Damon, he was cool. We talked a whole lot and shared different stories. I'm not sure how much he was bs'in me though. I also read Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller. I started the book a month ago and couldn't ever get into it. But, when you're just sitting outside for 24 hours with nothing to do...I read. It was a really good book and I really enjoyed it once I started got into it. It is more or less of a journal of his for a month. During that month or 2 he leaves Texas for the open road with his buddy Paul. They live in a VW van and are basically hippies. He goes from living a life where so much matters, to a life where nothing materialistic really matters all that much. The first few chapters he talks about how he believes that it is good to go out and make yourself. That it is not finding yourself, you're actually making yourself. They travel from Texas to Oregan with stops in the Grand Canyon, Vegas, Sacremento... He talks alot and so much of the book is just his journaling but I believe it's funny too. The book talks a whole lot about what life is about I believe. And within that is truly just being happy. Yet, that is not as easy as it sounds. Because one would say many things make you happy... I just got a new phone and I'm happy about that. But, I am talking about true happiness that cannot be taken away. Yeah it can be frusturated, aggravated and such but not taken away. But, thats not all. I'm also talking about just loving people for who they are... Don talks about beautiful things and people who ask the question why opposed to how. He believes that the why question is way more important than how... Because sunsets happen... chemicals in his brain makes him think how beautiful it is... but why is it like that? Why is the sunset.... That was kind of a new perspective to me I often just take things as they are without asking questions.... But I like the idea of asking the why question....

Cisterns

So Saturday at work a lady calls, she seems to be very old...80+ I'm not real sure, Marylin Smith was her name. She called and asked me about how the majority house leader. And was asking how a man could get so tan playing golf. She said he was tan all over, I said, "Mam, he probably plays at a country club where they have a swimmin pool." We talked for close to ten minutes. I am unaware how I did not get to laughing. Then she was talking about Obama and whether or not he was black enough according to Jay Leno, then was wondering if this man was orange enough. She proceeded to tell me that he may use that "tan in a can" stuff. She also told me that she called his office and asked how he got so tan, thats how she knew he golfed. This lady might have made my day in her craziness.
But today at church a family got up in front of the congregation for a little commission since they are going overseas as missionaries. She talked about who knows what, but, He talked about digging his own cisterns(wells to hold water) instead of relying on the one God has given us. He was a Younglife leader and talked about how he dug his own got pleasure out of that then realized after a few years it was dry. Then he got his pleasure in life by living in God's will and so forth... It hit me that I am often getting pleasure out of worldly things but then when I get my water from God it is so awesome and is not dry. It is very much fulfilling. I also seen a beautiful picture of marriage, I thought to myself this is what marriage is. It's about to submitting to God, then you really can't go wrong as long as your living in pursuit and within God's will. Which brings me to my next story. Today at the 19th hole, these men (very loose term) were talking about how Meatball was going to have to drop his membership due to his wife wanting to come out and watch him play golf. The story goes his wife told him she would like to watch golf in person one day. This all happened the week that he played in a 2man tournament with a very "scandalous" lady, in which you pick your partner. Well, she followed them around, and continues to. So, at the 19th hole he gets made fun of for his wife following... Later on the two men are talking about meaty dropping his membership, I say "why?" These two guys, one of them who is divorced, one of them who averages 3 hours in the bar a day, says you'll understand someday, you gotta have your own place... I think, "man, hmm you guys don't know what marriage is about..." It just grabbed me, meaty was being very sketchy, and his wife said huh ugh, I don't think so... But, who knows.... I just know that I don't want to marry someone whom I feel I might have to run from later in life or not want to be around....
But, when asking those questions I also ponder, why do I want the things I don't really want. And do the things I don't really want to do... But I guess those guys at the bar never said before they got married "in 15 years I hope I'm miserable." I think it could be all about following the Lord and not the world...
In other news, a boy came in and ate 3 candy bars in a row....

TRUST

This is a poem? maybe more just me rambling sentences without answers. As I began reading Brennan Manning's Ruthless Trust ideas grabbed a hold and I began thinking...

To really understand something you must trust.
How can I say I believe if I do not truly trust?
What man can take away anothers trust?
What gods do not require trust?
What relationship does not require trust?
To whom is worthy of my trust?
Where is shalom without trust?
What man can be whole without trust?
What man is crazy enough to trust?
What man lives for others and not himself?
Can man truly know the desire of God?
Who am I to not trust God?
Surely he will care for me.
Why should I worry of tomorrow?
Am I willing to trust?
Am I willing to not look only to my own desires?
Who am I to think my ideas are best?
Why is it so hard to trust?
A great joy in life comes as we learn to trust.
Not only a joy for ourselves but for everyone around. But, most importantly for the Father.
What do I have to lose in trust?
Am I only saving my self from the pain? Go trust.

Approaching 21

When I look at my life, I love it. There is not many things in my life that I can say that I would change if given the opportunity. The way I live, the things I learn, the things I do. Today I went to Pizza Hut in Sparta to eat lunch with a highschool guy. Before going I prayed that we would both have a good time and that if God willing we would talk about something worthwhile. We got there and ate a lot(it was the buffet.) But, there was not really any time while we we're talking that I sensed we could talk about something deeper than just surface stuff. I was alright leaving and felt good because even though we didn't talk about anything deep, I did get to spend time with him and show him love whether or not he realized it.
This brings me to my next point, as i approach 21 I get excited because I will be able to go out and have a good time. My friends say they can't wait... But, what I have found out recently is that I may not really want to do this... Occasionaly of course, but, what I really want my life to be about is about loving others. I have a sign by my bedroom door that reads "It's not all about me." But, most of the time it is all about me and that is not what i want. I want to be propelled by Christ's love so much that i would not even think of myself. Just like Phillipians 2
¹If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, ²then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. ³Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. ⁴Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. ⁵Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
⁶Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
⁷but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
⁸And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!

So as I go forward I hope that I can keep this in mind and know it.